I sometimes wonder who is in charge of sending push notifications for ABC News. This morning the push notification that I received (the notification that I expect to be so important as to pop up on my phone and grabbing my very valuable attention) read the following:
Watch Live: Sean "Diddy" Combs delivers commencement speech at Howard University
The fuck do I care about that? Are you joking? The only people who care about "Diddy" (and really? Diddy? The man has had more names than Jackie O) giving that speech are
a) people who went to Howard
b) fans of late 90's rap
End of list.
Does ABC News really think that there are so many people out there that will tune into "Diddy"giving life advice? Does ABC News think it is prudent to send a notification that pertains to only 0.004% of the population?
Due to ABC News being so desperate in their need to send me push notifications I have decided to write a list of events and situations that are appropriate to send to my phone:
1. World is about to end. This, however, does not include any sort of rapture bullshit or prophetic garbage. I'm talking "Astroid bearing down on earth. We are going the way of the dinosaur unless Bruce Willis and his team of rejects can go all Armageddon on this thing" Actually, that would be a great push notification.
2. WWIII is breaking out because
a)The Chinese want their money back
b)Russia feels a need to get beat in another war
c)North Korea sent a toy missile into South Korea because Kim Jun Un got a bad haircut
d)The US elects some bloodthirsty lunatic who decides to get us into any sort of international incident (up to an including invading Brazil for a Team USA loss in the World Cup this year, retroactively of course)
3. The Red Sox win the World Series
4. The Yankees lose the World Series
5. No really, major sporting events are cool to send a push notification; though most people know already. I mean, if you are sending me a notification that a team won the Super Bowl I either already know or really don't care (ie, I probably live in Brooklyn and don't own a TV)
6. Plague is sweeping the midwest. But a real plague. Not just a strain of the flu.
7. A large hurricane is going to hit the east coast. But a real hurricane, not a tropical storm 70 miles off the coast.
8. Earthquake in LA. 6.5 and above.
9. The last Beatle has died (that's going to be a huge deal)
10. Some big time celebrity and/or politician is assassinated. Has to be Louie C.K big or above.
11. Game of Thrones is on tonight
12. It's Sunday
13. Tom Brady retires (though I hope to see push notification #1 before this)
14. We found a cure for AIDS or cancer (though let's be honest that will most likely result in a Zombie appocolypse. We have all seen I Am Legend) Also, Trojan condoms stock would take a huge hit on that news.
15. There is a Zombie Apocolypse. Run!!!! If so I truly hope I don't end up with some group like the one on The Walking Dead. That Rick guy is a real dick.
16. Andrew Goodnow's new book skyrockets to #1 on NYTimes Bestseller List. Author declines interviews and is thought to have bought a small island and is living comfortably with his new pet monkey, "Ralph". (OK, that will never happen.....monkeys scare me and if I had the money I would bribe someone in the Chinese government to get a panda)
17. Woody Allen releases final film (I thought of this because I watched Manhattan last night)
18. Anytime a plane crashes. Those are the worst. You always think, "Do I know anyone traveling in China right now?"
19. Nuclear power plant fail. Those are buzz kills.
20. The Simpsons announces final season (my guess 2024)
Here is the list of push notifications I do not want to see......EVER
1. Lindsay Lohan anything. Just stop with this chick. She is a disaster. Do you know who else is a disaster? A lot of 20 somethings with too much money. If we idolized all of them Brian Williams would be the new TMZ.
2. Same for any of these stars. If I see another Justin guy from Canada anything I am off the internet for good. (Lies... all lies)
3. Jose Canseco anything
4. A big bank is fined (I don't care because I'll never see a dime of that money) Where does that money go? I'm curious, does anyone outside of the government get compensated? Or does it go into a black hole so that we can bail these banks out again at some point?
5. Winner of sexiest person alive award. Doesn't really matter.....and it shouldn't....to anyone.
6. The President is giving a speech. Nope, don't care.....not unless it has to do with a war or end of the world.
I hope ABC News takes this valuable feedback and incorporates it into its social media / push notification strategy. I want to respect ABC as a valuable news source, but with the crap on its online site and the pushes I see, it is tough to regard what they do as "news" in a sense that it is informing me of issues that effect my life. I want news via their social media. Not gossip. Not TMZ. Information. I think there is a disconnect. Because information is sent out on a social medium doesn't mean it must be watered down. There are still plenty of people who want to know what is happening in the world outside of the details of other people's lives. I miss the days when all of this garbage was limited to the grocery store check-out line.
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