I went hiking today. Love hiking. Cleansing. Peaceful. Gets me in touch with nature. I still get cell service. It's great. I'm a real outdoors kind of guy. I even have an LL Bean backpack.
So I'm blazing a trail through the well groomed trails of Austin's Green Belt and a few interesting things happened today. Let's review -
1. It is a Sunday. Typically I would be somewhere watching football, but today I opted out for the following reasons:
a) The product just isn't that great
b) I've lost a significant amount of interest in football in the past two years
c) You don't get to a BMI of 28.6 by not being active on a daily basis.
d) My fantasy football team decided that they were going to take a knee....during their games.
2. I walked past a guy who wasn't just wearing cologne. He had bathed in it. I could smell him for a solid 30 yards down the trial. Who is he trying to impress? The coyotes?
3. There are coyotes where I hike. Apparently the way to scare them away is to "make yourself big" and talk loud. With my hands held above my head I'm going to start doing the Truffle Shuffle. "Mr. Coyote! Back Away!!!! Please. NO. Stop showing your teeth to me and BACK UP NOW!!!"
4. I'm glad I have yet to encounter a coyote.
5. I move to the side of the trail when people with mountain bikes zoom past. For my safety, for their safety, for the common good of the trail. Some say thank you. Others zip past like they don't care. I have two categories for judging mountain bikers. Those who say thank you when they go by and those who suck. Don't be a suck mountain biker.
6. People rock climb along the hiking route. Ropes and all. People yelling about "don't let me fall" and "I don't want to die". Sounds like a great time.
7. Lots of make shift hammocks out there. People hang these things from a couple of trees and lounge in them for hours. There is usually this odd smell of skunk when you pass them. Which is odd, because there aren't many skunks around here.
8. Police patrol the trails on these mini ATV's. I have two thoughts on this. I like it because I have watched the movie "The Woods" and I don't need to be taken to a cabin and have bad things happen to me. Also, that must be a cool job. Those guys and gals are usually look happy. And why not? They wear shorts to work and drive ATV's.
9. There is a rope swing that leads to a "pond" that is maybe 3 feet deep (after a heavy rain). I'm sure people use the swing when the skunks come out.
10. I took a new path and ended up finding a small wooden bench in the middle of the woods. And I thought, "What a cozy little bench. Clearly handmade. I'll take a seat and enjoy the serenity." I sat down, looked around, looked up - And....what. the. fuck... There was a green human body shaped thing hanging from a tree. It was fucked up to say the least. The whole "Let's hang something that looks like a body from a tree" thing is a bad idea 100 times out of 100. Needless to say, I got up off of the bench that sucked me in and got back to the main trail. Again, I've seen horror movies, that how the begin......or end.
11. Every time I hear rustling from the woods - I know the odds are 99.98% that it is harmless. Regardless, I jump like a bear is coming after me. Every. Single. Time.
12. I hear rustling 6-8 times per hike.
So I'm blazing a trail through the well groomed trails of Austin's Green Belt and a few interesting things happened today. Let's review -
1. It is a Sunday. Typically I would be somewhere watching football, but today I opted out for the following reasons:
a) The product just isn't that great
b) I've lost a significant amount of interest in football in the past two years
c) You don't get to a BMI of 28.6 by not being active on a daily basis.
d) My fantasy football team decided that they were going to take a knee....during their games.
2. I walked past a guy who wasn't just wearing cologne. He had bathed in it. I could smell him for a solid 30 yards down the trial. Who is he trying to impress? The coyotes?
3. There are coyotes where I hike. Apparently the way to scare them away is to "make yourself big" and talk loud. With my hands held above my head I'm going to start doing the Truffle Shuffle. "Mr. Coyote! Back Away!!!! Please. NO. Stop showing your teeth to me and BACK UP NOW!!!"
4. I'm glad I have yet to encounter a coyote.
5. I move to the side of the trail when people with mountain bikes zoom past. For my safety, for their safety, for the common good of the trail. Some say thank you. Others zip past like they don't care. I have two categories for judging mountain bikers. Those who say thank you when they go by and those who suck. Don't be a suck mountain biker.
6. People rock climb along the hiking route. Ropes and all. People yelling about "don't let me fall" and "I don't want to die". Sounds like a great time.
7. Lots of make shift hammocks out there. People hang these things from a couple of trees and lounge in them for hours. There is usually this odd smell of skunk when you pass them. Which is odd, because there aren't many skunks around here.
8. Police patrol the trails on these mini ATV's. I have two thoughts on this. I like it because I have watched the movie "The Woods" and I don't need to be taken to a cabin and have bad things happen to me. Also, that must be a cool job. Those guys and gals are usually look happy. And why not? They wear shorts to work and drive ATV's.
9. There is a rope swing that leads to a "pond" that is maybe 3 feet deep (after a heavy rain). I'm sure people use the swing when the skunks come out.
10. I took a new path and ended up finding a small wooden bench in the middle of the woods. And I thought, "What a cozy little bench. Clearly handmade. I'll take a seat and enjoy the serenity." I sat down, looked around, looked up - And....what. the. fuck... There was a green human body shaped thing hanging from a tree. It was fucked up to say the least. The whole "Let's hang something that looks like a body from a tree" thing is a bad idea 100 times out of 100. Needless to say, I got up off of the bench that sucked me in and got back to the main trail. Again, I've seen horror movies, that how the begin......or end.
11. Every time I hear rustling from the woods - I know the odds are 99.98% that it is harmless. Regardless, I jump like a bear is coming after me. Every. Single. Time.
12. I hear rustling 6-8 times per hike.
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