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Follow Up Emails - Marketing Rewards Program

A few years back I was working on a customer loyalty program.  Frankly, the idea and intentions were excellent, but what we quickly realized was that we put in place WAY too many steps for a person to join the program.  We lacked the technology to have a one step enrollment process.  You live and you learn with stuff like that.  
Anyhow, the process and the amount copy I wrote for follow up emails made me think....what if a company actually wrote what they wanted to say to customers who weren't visiting the store or utilizing their rewards card.  

I created Gorilla Guns. 


Welcome E-Mail

Thank you for signing up with the Gorilla Guns Weapons Rewards card!  We are thrilled you have selected Gorilla for all of your weapons, ammo, and gadget needs.  Remember, your rewards card entitles you earn free ammo for every third gun you purchase. 

We thank you for choosing Gorilla and look forward to putting our sites on you!

The Team at Gorilla Guns


One week of no activity on account

Hi Fellow Gun Enthusiast,

We see that you have yet to purchase a weapon here at Gorilla Guns, your home for bone crushing weaponry.  Some of our best deals of the year are happening RIGHT NOW.

Silencers for under $200  (Keep those nosey neighbors in the dark about your home discharge methods)
Hollow Point tipped bullets for all gun types as low as $2 (Because you need to stop those bullet proof vest wearing robbers right in their tracks)
Gun Racks starting at $49.  (Because you can have all the catchy bumper stickers you want.  A premium USA assembled gun rack makes a real statement.)

So come on down to Gorilla Guns and stock up for the holidays, the time of year when everyone should be armed.

The Team at Gorilla Guns

 
One Month of no activity on account

Hey,

Listen, we aren't exactly sure what the problem is here, but I thought we made it very clear.  We have guns.  Come shop for them.   Some of our customers get a little scared about the whole "background check" thing.  Is that you?  If so, don't you worry.  Gorilla Guns has its own "tradeshow" area set up out back in a double wide.  Our non-certified dealers are less than interested in any of your past misgivings, prison sentences, or general criminality.  As Gorilla Gun founder Claude H. Patterson said on his death bed, "Nobody needs to know who shot me."  It is a motto we live by.  So come on down.  Don't be afraid of rejection at Gorilla Guns doublewide gun sales.  

Your Understanding Friends at Gorilla Guns


Six Months of no activity on account            

Dickhead,

We are trying to run a small business.  Maybe you decided to purchase your gun at some corporate place with elderly greeters and discount pricing.  Maybe you are a liberal scumbag who  "doesn't need a gun to protect his family from the imminent threat of a break-in".  Haven't you ever seen an ADT commercial?  There is a 93% chance there is someone casing your home right now.                                                                                            And you do not have a gun.  Normally we here at Gorilla Guns decry gun violence, but because you have so blatantly disregarded our repeated efforts to arm you...maybe you deserve it.  

As of today we are revoking your Gorilla Guns discount card. 

May God have mercy on your liberal soul. 

The Gorilla Family






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